Anyhoo, am I hurt of course! Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. There are no secrets with her family. just stop! People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. This is not your problem, this is hers. After all is said and done, some of you will still feel an overwhelming need to confront the affair partner. Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. BREAKING NEWS: Do not reveal how you know. Love, romance, and other sweet unicorns and They now live the life I was supposed to have. Only God can make this work. Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. Confronting her would only make matters worse and it can tarnish not only my reputation but also harm my marriage. You have every right to feel the way you do. The bottom line is that anyone who would knowingly sleep with a married man (or woman) especially when the wife is PREGNANT (as in my case) is a broken human being. Your son, any pets, and yourself. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.). Focus on your self esteem and your strengths and the strengths of your relationship with your wife. E. There are better women out there. She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? The conversation brought us both closer to the light. I also told Glad I'm already separated and glad I have proof of ALL the MANY lies my husband has been telling and still trying to tell. Save. My husband would like to see his dad one more time, but we fear the in-laws will signal to the AP that he is coming and will try to arrange a meeting between them since they want so badly for my husband and the AP to get back together. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!! (The affair is over.). It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs. Im so sorry to hear things ended up this way. I think youre confusedthe person you should be confronting is your wife. She is the one who is cheating, she is the one who has to accountable. T As a result of their friendship with her, our children and I have cut off contact with them. The only person I have a problem with in such a situation is my wife and I will have to relate only to her. By I believe my healing restarted every other day. She was responsible for his travel arrangements. I could tell she didn't want to leave him. Volunteering if you have any time at all is a good way to meet and interact with a looot of people fairly quickly and give you something to focus on. Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. What if I dont know him? I dont have any business with the man. Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now Im completely better. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. It'll help the two of you communicate in effective ways and find answers as to why the affair happened - in a much healthier way than contacting the affair partner. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. I just need some answers and I am not getting them! There is no point doing that. But it seems to be working for all parties concernedthe other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person. Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. of which is counseling (see counseling resources). Does it make a difference? 2. Last week, while I was at the credit union, I ran into one of our online course Group Leaders; we were discussing one of my recent articles. You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. She then responded saying not to blame her blah blah. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. Filing for divorce. I messaged them and asked if they wouldn't mind speaking to me. This article will help you to prepare, be effective, and avoid conflict. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. I just feel like this is the best solution to give me peace of mind. She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. Expose the affair to her family. We CAN FINALLY move forward! Every situation is unique, would I recommend it? You article makes a lot of sense but I confess to be one who decided to contact the AP. I'm the type of person that needs honest answers. I sent it to his Dr.s office. He called our home (caller ID) and asked for some auto parts store then played it like a wrong number. Which brings us to the other reason you should not confront the affair partner 2. So while you may have an ]com), one I know that sometimes in marriage distractions can set in. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total), This topic has 9 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally Marriage is between two people; the husband and wife. In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your spouse to stay neutral. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. First, you must prepare yourself to deal with the situation in a mature manner and you I told her Gid has a plan for her life and that plan is not my husband. Aaaandlaughed. with his or her lover? I never responded after that. Let her go. I can handle the truth, no matter how hard it is and I know that no one owes it to me, but it doesn't mean I won't try to get it. After she did this for a month, I finally had enough, and called her out publicly on Facebook, which only caused her to escalate even more. You need to divorce her right now. Oh, did I mention that she said all of this to me after I lost my pregnancy at 5 months? Do not fight around him or anything. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern. if she lies to a judge about the affair and you have evidence than you have her on perjury. Will confronting the other person force your spouse to make a decision? Your Or ask your lawyer to depose them in your situation and it may even complicate matters (as mentioned above). If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. You deserve much better than this. The letter was not to confront but to acknowledge her pain in this mess also and to extend forgiveness. Pointing and laughing? Thanks for listening. I divorced him and he married her. Please log in OR register. That's totally permitted, however. Just yesterday, I met with another woman who's been sleeping with my husband for about as long as we've been married. I would highly recommend giving this a try. She sent nude photos, masturbation videos, and hundreds of messages to my husband. My ex suddenly wanted a divorce and it turned out it was so she could run off with a married mutual friend that I actually was asking for advice on what was wrong with her. He didn't stand up for us. And then she sent another message that she would be happy to meet to set the record straight. She asked about certain dates, where we went, what movies we saw together. What about telling the affair partner's spouse if the motive for doing so is to clear your conscience morally and being truthful? In a way, I was happy.it opened my husbands eyes to whom she really is, and it was my opportunity to show to him that Im the better, proud, string and wise woman. Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. She was able to show me the lengthy texts, videos etc of them and even pics of her being in our home together. Over the years, Ive come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. And so forth. Consider the source. Space Is Limited. That's where all of us recovering from adultery need to focus. For the last few weeks, Ive been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. Like I have won! That we two have serious problems and good luck. Youll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc. It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. Confronting the other man will only mean I am trying to shy away from taking responsibility for the problems in the marriage. She likes attention and drama. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. Would I do it again? They are weak individuals- who would choose to be anyones leftovers? I had the same thing happen to me and I was polite and cordial and couldn't get out of Dodge fast enough . I had two children with my loyal husband, ages 2 and the other 2 months old at the time. Id gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. Why? @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. Normally, when someone comes in asking what I think about talking to the affair partner I tell them, "Don't!" Trust destroyed and dont think i would ever trust again. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. Thanks everyone for your messages. So atleast you have that going for you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. THAT was my mistake. It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. What if you should meet up with her by chance? So after his wife sent many angry texts to me about my wife, I told her not to contact me again, referred her to this site and focus on her marriage. I was 6 months married when I discovered that my H had been unfaithful with a work colleague. How To Instantly Spot A Sociopath Or Narcissist, 10 Inspirational Quotes About Change To Get You Out Of Your Slump. Theyre the chumps, they made their choices and have to live with them. In retrospect, my naivete was breathtaking, but that was before a therapeutic consensus against all of the above emerged, before the current cornucopia of helpful books on affair recovery, and certainly before helpful websites like this one. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. It still stings that I became a villain in someone's life story. The great part about this is, youre already moving through all the steps. Never. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of lifes pleasures. You know what says "you are beneath contempt"? I am not sorry that I did, but I probably did fuel the fire some. This is not the last voyage you will take. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. Emotional purgatory and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. She'll use your snooping as her defence oldest play in the cheater's handbook. Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. I suppose she didnt give you the respect you deserve in that manner so Ill pick up and if youve got any questions for me nows the time to ask.". Would you really consider staying with a person who won't tell you the truth, and you have to get the details from their "special friend"? Walking away from this lets you maintain your dignity and self respect. This also backfired. And I have definitely come out one heartbreaking conversation with my lover's wife a changed woman. Amazing. She found my number on her husband's phone bill and called me. I said to her, he was playing one of us off against the other so we should talk. Do you really need this person harassing you and pressing charges? I contacted the AP via message. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. Tough! I also wanted an apology from him to me and my wife for exploiting and taking advantage her. I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). Now I feel like Im in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. NEVER. I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. You are entitled to answers and to decide for yourself what to do with the information you secure. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). E Eli-Zor Registered She even apologized, and sounded sincere. Space Is Limited! We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. Ive been struggling with whether or not to respond to my husbands ap. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. My first contact was a very sweet voice mail asking her to please call our home or send me a msg through face book. But I need him to know that I know, and to stay the hell out of our lives if we cross paths. You deserve better. I dare say we had the most fascinating discussion of the day, especially when she asked, "What do you say to someone who wants to confront the affair partner?". Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Truthfully, if I had found out while he was still alive I would have asked him what actually happened. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. My husband had a long term, intense emotional affair with a woman at work. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, its time to make port and see what can be done. I know that if I were in her shoes, If she didnt know my spouse and I were together and found out he had been lying not only to her but his wife and child, I would never want t anything to do with the guy ever again. 3. Hes 25+ years my senior, very successful rich even. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. You deserve to be a man again. One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. But i hope i can be of some assistance. I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. Your wife had a 20 year affair, and you believe it was none of her fault? Incontrovertible proof. WebI Confronted My Cheating Wife's AFFAIR PARTNER AT HIS HOUSE rSpace 70.9K subscribers Join Subscribe 6.2K Share Save 415K views 2 years ago I Confronted My Out of embarrassment, your spouse may grow defensive and try to minimize the problem or may even try to shift blame for his or her actions to you: There wouldnt be a problem if you werent so paranoid. Because of the unpredictability of confrontation, many spouses choose not to confront, even after they have seen early warning signs. Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. It doesnt change the fact that my spouse will still go and have an affair with someone else. Goes to show you its all their own issues, not anything to do with us. Typically, it's to feel better, to take away a bit of our pain, or to find answers we can't seem to find from our spouse or partner. I feel like I have been run over by a train. That was certainly true in our situation. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. makes your wife really central. Then, I will confront her openly. Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). If he sees a dress he likes and he cannot buy it for me but get it for another lady, then there is a problem and we have to solve it. It's all good. If these women didn't respond, then I would have moved on and dealt with what I knew to be true for me. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. She didn't say anything about the affair. For me, it has helped immensely. What would you do? They were married for 17 years and he died of stage 4 lung cancer at age 60. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. Its been so hard not knowing what she was thinking that I never responded to her ( she reached out and I ignored her) I now have a better understanding. Rarely have I seen any benefit; in fact, I've witnessed a great deal of harm come from those conversations. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. She used our meeting to gain sympathy from her husband. Don't go all vigilante on this alone. I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. Build on yourself, learn all you can, and eventually you will love again when you are ready. Very ugly. The problem is between my man and me. You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. I know theyve On the one hand, by confronting her my husband finally realized what he was dealing with. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. Designed specifically for wayward spouses, Hope for Healing is a supportive, nonjudgmental environment for you to heal and develop empathy. All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my So confronting an affair partner? Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. Hard to not want to confront him. Can you imganine the drama and the extra stress? Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. I'm hoping that time will heal. I would have asked openhanded questions to see what his responses would be and compare them to what my wife said. My husband told me half the truth, she told me the rest in the hope Id kick him out. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, Im not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. Ive been dwelling on the idea of confronting my wifes lover. Shes in LOVE with him. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. Youre awesome, happythoughts. I understand and agree with all of the 8 listed, however, my UW AP lives a couple miles down the road and we will inevitably run into each other. What advice do you have for those us whom dont seek them, they seek us BS? In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasnt raised with the values of marriage, and wasnt ready to be a dad. If she doesnt stop she should consider the marriage over. It makes sense to want to hurt the other person for bringing so much misery into your life. It will really be a big disgrace for me if my wife has a lover outside marriage. It took my husband 7 weeks to fully disclose what had taken place. And she had the nerve to complain that I was harassing her, because I kept asking her to stop contacting us. It's an exercise in futility. That's for myself. I do understand what is being said here, because not all situations are going to turn out like mine did. It is my wife I have a business with. Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. *Love. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). WebI confronted my wife's lover the morning after I found out. See what her answer is. Or is such a confrontation likely to scare the other person away? Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. Maybe there'll be a duel! As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. You haven't mentioned your age. Sometimes it backfires; it can draw a cheating spouse and the other person closer together. When I was on my way to rejoin my husband, she sent me several crazy sounding messages, which I read between flights, telling me that he needed to get out of Tennessee, and that she was "calling the law" on both of us. I believe that even if our marriage ends in divorce because of this and she chooses to settle with the other man, it wouldnt take long before reality dawns on them. This doesnt tarnish who you are or what you can become. Do you have a general question youd like to ask? We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. only to destroy our Xmas. I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. expert. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew shed had an affair. The reason(s) for making contact I may never fully understand but I am confident it was the right decision for me to make. Ill disgrace myself, kids, family if I do that- Ibrahim Badmus. It was sweet. To compare notes. Apart from being married, I have an image to protect. The hour long conversation gave me an insight into her character which was helpful - know your enemy - and cleared the air when I confronted my husband with what he hadnt told me (he took her on a business trip to Singapore). The last thing you want to do is let another person have the power to control your peace of mind. I showed her pure ignorance. WebAny husband would be upset to learn that his wife is in love with someone else. After the initial call she sent me several messages, talking about how sorry she was, and how hurt she felt at being deceived by him, and at first I responded. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. Then she changed her tune and told me "he'd never been in love with me and was going to start a new life with her." *You are continuous and undying. This seems cut throat, but will help you if a custody battle comes up. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. It was true, I DID have to have them. I thought she was not worth my time! Truth About Deception back to our home page. Then watch her deny, deny, deny then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. I will walk out of the marriage- Derek Agyei. Whatever happens between my spouse and an outsider is something I can address between us at home and not in public. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the easy way out. It was against my religion, but I had no choice. I atoned for my actions. You need to calmly explain your feelings and tell her to put herself in your shoes. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. Yes, you most definitely should and I'll tell you why. Chances are if u are debating a subject such as this you've recently found out your wife che I consider doing that an immature action. He was visibly shaking during the encounter and when he cried to my wife she then saw him as pathetic. I would tell her family members the truth. Part of HuffPost News. I have been in a similar situation like this before. You really need to let go of this whole thing. File for divorce dude. To reclaim your self respect. First of all, even if he did say these things, (which he claims he didn't, but who knows the truth) how could you look your married lover's wife, one who just lost a much wanted pregnancy, straight in the eye and make these claims to her? I would like to think I'd be strong enough to walk past my UH AP one day without giving her any expression of emotion or time of day. 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! She must NOT grow suspicious that her loving, devoted, starry eyed hubby has a clue about someone else lubricating her plumbing every day. And your life. It might also extend to the rules of law. Truth About Deception back to our home page. Maybe the relationship wasnt meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. He may feel obligated to listen to her complain about you. To learn when registration opens back up, click the button below. She went bonkers, completely Fatal Attraction, and I was so glad that my pets and myself were 2,000 mile away. Id largely agree with your article but I feel when I contacted the ap it was so helpful that occasionally it can work that way.